It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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