I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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