I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize