I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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