My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
