Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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