I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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