i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
