his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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