There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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