Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
