ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
