new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
