A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
