I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
