i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
