I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
