i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
