I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
