Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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