There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
