just come out here and I will go home with you...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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