Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
