I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
