a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
