Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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