I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
