life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
