Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
