drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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