You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We need a shit load of segways right now
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize