this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
