TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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