Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
