watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
a search helicopter?!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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