I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
