The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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