All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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