someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
