toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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