just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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