it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
