oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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