Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
