My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
