On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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