why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
