I hate your face
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
