Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
