She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
