Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
