My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
