if you like me you must not know who I am
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
