Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
