I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
