oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
