i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
