before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
