I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
why do cheetos always look like penises
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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