i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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