She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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