There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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