i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
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I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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